In which I give a deep and thorough analysis of 'The Hunger Games'

So today I was bored and felt like watching people kill one another for sport. As a result I decided to  download 'The Hunger Games' illegally because I am philosophically against the capitalist notion of art being exploited to procure profits (in layman's terms I am too lazy, poor and amoral to pay for movies).

There were a few obscure things I noticed about the movie.

First was the fact that it was PG-13, even though the movie was essentially a Battle Royale situation with children. People were dying, heads rolling, bodies being decapitated. The dreams, hopes and futures of these poor children were being ended early, severed like metaphorical guillotines, for the sake of sport. It was a reality TV version of Lord of the Flies, except everyone was Piggy. That shit is not PG-13 material. When you're thirteen (or under) the thought of mortality or the bleak twisted animalistic side of human nature isn't being contemplated. In fact, I think I spent majority of my under thirteen years trying to eat the paper cranes my dad used to make for me --that's how little disregard I had for anything.

I wonder how parental guardian would make this movie any less confronting.

Kid: Dad, why is everyone killing each other in cold blood?
Dad: Son, you have to realise that sometimes people can be bad.
Kid: What do you mean?
Dad: Well sometimes, situations dictate that you hurt other people for the sake of your own survival.
Kid: Like you hurting Mummy when she found you in a bed with another Mummy?
Dad: ....eat your popcorn

Despite the fact that the director tried to avoid showing too much gore in the movie due to it's PG-13 rating, there was still a lot bodily fluids being transfer. For example, there was this one particular bit where the annoying blond  love interest of the storyline was trying to help out Jennifer Lawrence's wounds. His job was to apply ointment on her gash but instead he decides to rub it all over forehead repeatedly like a maniac, smearing and spreading more blood across her forehead.

I don't really know if this scene in the movie was supposed to be sweet or romantic or even necessary, but when I was viewing it the words: 'HEPATITIS HEPATITIS HEPATITIS' kept flashing in neon light against the backdrop of my spinning head. Bitch, get your hands away from my wounds. You've been outside running around trying to maim people on an artificially manipulated island for at least a week. When you're in that situation, you've definitely touched a bunch of weird substances organically, accidentally or just for the hell of it. At least go to a clinic before you decide to sensually rub your thumb against my gash and get yourself checked out for diseases. Or use protection. Education people.

And that would be how I would die in a Hunger Game/Battle Royale situation. Disease paranoia. Priorities have always been my strong suit.

Also what the dick was up with this weird three fingered salute?

I get that it's supposed to be a symbolically charged hail Mary gesture encapsulating solidarity and support, but it just reminded me of the Hitler salute. Maybe 'The Hunger Games' world is actually a hypothetical dystopia based on an alternative and speculative timeline where Hitler won. Who knows. (The book readers probably). It'd make sense, because there was this one dude was sporting really weird facial hair throughout the whole movie, and it was distracting because I couldn't grasp it's narrative importance.

I don't know how long it took to shave this beard, but there should be an entire industry dedicated to molding facial hair just like it. In fact, every place should offer a service that moulds facial hair into patterns of your choice. I want a parlour where you can walk inside and ask for the Mona Lisa to be shaved into your chin. It will be a new fashion trend, like bubble pants. Only on your face.

I am more turned on with this concept then you can imagine.

Anyway this wasn't so much of a review as it was evidence that I didn't pay attention to much of the movie due to my habit of blatantly projecting and hypothesizing irrelevant shit. You shouldn't expect any better.